I can’t resist, since a) this is funny and b) my Ozzy post was Neuron Culture’s most heavily trafficked ever. The Onion, picking up the news that Ozzy is having his genome sequenced, got an inside line, managed to get early results, and reports them thusly:

Last month, the Cambridge, MA company Knome began mapping the complete DNA sequence for heavy metal singer and former reality star Ozzy Osbourne. Here are some of the discoveries made so far:

• His DNA contains vast sequences of mumbly code that are almost completely indecipherable
• Subliminal genes that must be unraveled backwards
• Brain unique in that it possesses not just opiate receptors, but powerful transmitters as well
• Gene responsible for making Jack Daniel’s unappealing in any amount less than a fifth
• Shares a close genetic link with no other living creature

and so on. Go get the (sorta) real thing. My original post here. Still no word on Keith Richards.